Psalm 34:18

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; And saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

February 5, 2016. That date will forever be etched in my mind. It was the day my heart was broken. So broken that I thought I'd never recover. 

Let me back-track a bit to the December before. December 21st to be exact. We'd been trying and praying for so long and then I saw it ... two pink lines. We were going to have another baby. Could there be a better Christmas present? I think not. We started making plans right away. We told our two boys and they were beyond excited. I think even more excited than when they opened presents on Christmas morning. I called the doctor and made an appointment. The nurse told me that the day would start with an ultrasound and then we'd see the doctor and follow-up with any blood work or other tests that needed to be done. The appointment was scheduled for February 5th. I was to be ten weeks along on February 5th. 

I didn't sleep well the night before our appointment. I was too excited to sleep, but also I felt a bit of a foreboding. I was nervous. I had experienced so much anxiety already and I was only ten weeks. Finally the sun rose over the trees and before I knew it, it was time to head out to see our baby. We arrived at the doctor's office way before our scheduled appointment. I remember watching the pregnant women in the office. Envious over their swelling bellies and then picturing me with a baby-filled belly, too. We were called back for our ultrasound and the last thing that I can clearly remember is the feel of that cold gel on my belly and the words will forever be on my mind, "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." I don't know how loud I gasped. I don't know how long I had to lay there sobbing while she continued to look and measure and take pictures. I do know that I left a piece of my heart on that table in that little room on February 5th, 2016. 



I've been leaving pieces of my heart and dried up tears all over the place since we left that office that morning. I left a little piece and a long-gone tear drop on the side walk as we walked quietly to the car. I left even more in the car on that way too long of a drive home. And our house, our house has seen numerous breakdowns and has witnessed my heart breaking into what felt like a million pieces. 

I tried to pray, but to be honest, I was numb. In that moment, I felt like I was the furthest away from God that a person could be, I felt hopeless and heartbroken. My husband called our priest. I felt a bit relieved for him to be with us in that moment. He spoke some prayers and blessed me with holy oils. I don't really remember anything that he said, though. Mumbles. Just mumbles as my heart raced while fighting back more tears. 

And then it happened, five days later, I delivered our baby. In the moment, it didn't dawn on me what I was doing. I didn't think of it as being in labor and delivering a baby. But that's what it was. I delivered our baby at home on a Wednesday evening. We buried our baby that Saturday. The priest again prayed over us and the baby, blessed the ground with holy water, and we laid the casket with the baby and a few of the baby items we had already purchased in the ground. I don't remember it. I have snapshots of the day in my mind. I see the stuffed rabbit that we had bought. I see the priest raising his arm in blessing. I remember my husband getting down on his knees to lay the casket into the dirt. That's all I remember from that day. 

My anger with God was just beginning, though. The confusion and hurt that I felt. My baby was gone and I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. We named it Gabriel. My third child's name is Gabriel. We felt that the baby needed an angel name because that is where he is now. He's with God and he's probably wondering why I cry so much. I hope that someone in Heaven will explain it to him. That I miss him and really wanted to be his mom. I wanted to hold him and play with him and watch him grow up. 

I've come to calling Gabriel a he, it feels right to call him a boy, but I don't know. That is where a lot of my hurt is coming from. I don't know what he looks like. Does he take after me or my husband? Which of his brothers would he have been like? Would he have liked animals or computers? Or would he have been completely different? February 5th. Those questions and so many others that I had about Gabriel all died with him. Now, I live on the hope that maybe, someday, I might get to meet my Gabriel and all of those questions might get answered. 

Now, even though I still go through times of anger and pain, I can say that I am finding comfort in God again. I know that God loves me. He loves Gabriel. He loves my family. I know that I'm not alone. Even though I don't understand any of this. I do know that I'm not alone and that God has it all worked out. And that is hard to admit. Deep down I know this, but it is so hard to let God have control over everything. It's really hard to let go and just let Him handle things. It is a hard thing to put all of our trust into Him, especially when we don't understand or think that His plan isn't fair. I think that is what God wants me to gleam from all of this ... He has it all under control and His plan will be revealed to me at the perfect time. At His time. Let Him do what is right. Not my will, but His. NOT MY WILL, BUT HIS!  I have lost count of how many times I have spoken that phrase over the last few months. So many times, just so I don't forget. All I have to do is be still. God has it. Be still and know that He is God. God the Redeemer. God the Creator. God the Ruler of the Universe. I put my trust in You. 

World on Fire

Did you see the news? Another terrorist attack, more hate, more dead. And once again politics and agendas are being pushed to the forefront. High profile leaders and politicians are telling us not to pray. God can't fix this.

Do we know any of the life stores from the people lost in this terrorist attack? We don't because there is not time to remember the lost and to pray for their souls and their loved ones left behind. We can't let a good crisis go to waste. So, once again, our leaders are ignoring the simple facts and attempting to push their agenda - defying the constitution doesn't bother these people. They will continue to attempt to remove God from our country, along with some other constitutionally protected possessions. All for the simple reason of establishing control and dependence on them ... the government. We don't need Jesus Christ because we have Big Daddy Government and they will save us. God can't fix this, but more executive orders can. Right? Well, if you believe that then I have some ocean front property in Arizona. Great price!!

In the end, though, God can fix this and He already has. We have a Savior in Jesus Christ. He died on the cross for our salvation. "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." (Revelation 4:8) And when He comes again there will be a new Heaven and a new Earth and he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:1-4)

The world is on fire, but it will be put out. Through God's love it will be put out. 

Colors, Shapes, and Patterns ... Oh, My!

Little ones love to sing, so what better way to teach them about shapes and colors then through song? I recently created a few products for my Teachers Pay Teachers store just for teaching young children about colors, shapes, and patterns. 

The product bundle includes both the teaching and interactive power point presentation and the PDF with lesson ideas, worksheets, and manipulatives. Each product is available separately, also. 

The 10 colors are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, brown, black, and white and the six shapes are circle, square, triangle, diamond, oval, and rectangle. 

The PDF includes lesson ideas for five days, two following directions worksheets to color six shapes, six pages of shape manipulatives to cut out for sorting, nine pages of color pictures to cut out for sorting, five worksheets with two colors on each page - the student will trace the color word, copy the color word,and then color the picture to match. The PDF also includes one worksheet for completing AB patterns and two pages of picture manipulatives to cut out for making patterns. 

The Power Point includes songs/poems for six shapes and 10 colors. It also includes activity pages for find the shape, tell me the shape, and AB pattern completion. The activity pages for tell me the shape use animations to make the shapes appear and the children can call out the name of the shape when they see it. This could be a fun and interactive classroom game! The activities for the pattern pages include animations to make the last picture in the pattern appear after the children have decided what will come next. What a great way to self-check!

These products would be a great tool for interactive learning!  

Colors, Shapes, and Patterns Bundle

These products wouldn't be complete without the graphics from My Cute Graphics. If you haven't checked these out yet, you are missing out. These are the cutest!

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

Tradition holds that Thanksgiving is the time to be with family and share the blessings that we are most thankful for. The Pilgrims did this same thing in 1621. The surviving Pilgrims had much to be thankful for. After their first winter in the New World, only about half survived. A long voyage into unknown territory and a hard winter provided the backdrop for a celebration to thank God for bringing them to that point. Life was not easy for these first Pilgrims. They had experienced much hardship and loss, but they found a way to give the glory to God.

People around the world today are not immune to hardships. We also experience loss - loved ones pass, income declines, friendships die. We've all experienced loss and made it through rough days, weeks, months, and even years. Do we stop and give God the glory that He so deserves? This should be an everyday occurrence, but far too often we take for granted what we have and complain about what we don't. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving let's remember what truly matters and give the credit to our Father who loves us unconditionally. 

The Best of Me, Not the Rest of Me

You have probably heard the news. Another woman has decided to put family first. Elizabeth Hasselbeck recently announced that she will be leaving Fox News in order to be home with her kids. This woman is putting aside a high-profile career and what I imagine would be a pretty amazing paycheck to be what so many people deride. A mom. To put others needs, wants, and desires above your own. I'm sure this was not an easy decision to make. I've been there. I made the decision to put family first. It was not a simple choice. It was something that kept me up at night. It made my heart thump and my hands shake. Up until the last day of my full-time career I struggled to catch my breath. Was I making the right choice? The effects were clear that first night. Do you know what happened? I slept. I truly slept. I fell asleep with peace on my mind and comfort in my heart. And the next morning I woke with a fierce determination. I would make the most of my newly-found freedom. I would be the mother my children needed and the wife my husband deserved. That day was filled with smiles and laughter. There was a bit of under-lying fear as I was still trying to figure it all out. Because not only was I a full-time Mommy, but I was also a homeschool teacher. 

This journey began over three years ago. For three years now I have put the needs of my family first. Some may have said that I was crazy for choosing this road. Some may have said that it was just an experiment - a short-lived desire. Well, maybe it is an experiment, but the results are AMAZING!! Like Elizabeth Hasselbeck, I want to give my children the best of me, not the rest of me.